So let's try this bullshit again...random as they come still

Ok so im not aspiring to be anything but myself again...no actress, no artist, no rapper, nothing but me.  Because at one point in time i lost me...if you find her or you have her, please give her back, because until you do, the ones who care about me will suffer out of my control.  How i feel now is how i shouldn't feel...i have someone who loves me like a fat kid loves cake...just wish i could feel that cake ALL the time...but something wont let me. Its like im bipolar or sum shyt...one minute, I feel her love...and i need and want it...the next, i know its there and i WANT and NEED to feel it...but something wont allow me to feel nor be vulnerable.  I shall write about this later...whether a song, monologue, or poem is regurgitated i have no clue... I have no plans for my future...dont feel like thinking about it...some days i would really like to be excited about something, anything!.....wait, let me rephrase that, i dont want to be excited about something, i want to be excited about LIFE all of the time. Sure, that's not realistic...but there is a difference between living and being alive.  Hmm..what else is new...still have nightmares.  I still get angry (but ive grown very good at keeping this hidden).  Ive experienced a dry spell when it comes to creativity.  I like to eat almonds a lot.  Ive watched the movie Step Brothers more times this month than the years i am old.  Im addicted to candy.  I am a sex addict (maybe thats why im so emotionally f_ked but it seems like a good way to show how much i care).  I dont like simple people.  I can be trusted.  I dont like when other people wont admit that they have issues too.  I dont like to be bothered when im in a shitty mood.  I like chunky peanut butter.  I am homo...and i love women (such beautiful creatures) except when they act simple.  I HATE pressure...I like to think for myself and on my time.  I dont like to explain things...whether its the way i feel or something ive said a million times already.  I DON'T have trust issues.  I DO have commitment issues.  Lets be specific...commitment issues of the heart, not the genitals.  I hate long distance relationships, but i can appreciate short distance within relationships...I need a place to be alone when i want to be alone.  I guess thats why marriage scares me and i dont want kids.  maybe thats why titles scare me (only when im in a withdrawn state which is lame...I AM LAME)....dont really know what else to say right now...so i wont say anything else.  All in All, im trying....I AM TRYING...to open myself up to the world and the important people in it...but i WILL NOT lose myself again once i find it...I guess that within itself is "my journey"....but in the meantime, ill continue to be a zombie surrogate   and breed mindless ideas until my life is my life again. And to all who care, I love you...you should already know this and hopefully you have felt it at some point n time.  If not, maybe next week...

A Beautiful Mishap

You make me sick to my stomach the way you think nothin' of it,
I swear, you killin' me softly but your method is rigid.
I'm not right when I'm with you, I'm like a zombie I'm zonin',
The only time you're satisfied is in the sheets when we're bonin'.
I'm alone in my struggles cuz you don't feel me at all,
I could be walkin' above death and you'd still let me fall.


I created this mistake.
I gave you everything you couldn't take.
You've got me weak in my cardiac.
You're my beautiful mishap.


It was such a surprise to me, the way you hurt me so elegantly,
Words like sharp ice, they'd pierce my soul and freeze me deep.
You were so horribly amazing at listening, almost as if you had wasps in your ears,
The buzzing would keep you up at night and magnify all of your fears
Such dark skin led me on to believe this berry was sweeter than sweet,
I've never seen manipulation executed so beautifully, and I've never seen selfishness at it's peak.
The way your kisses were deadly and caused paralysis of my mentality,
You scratch and grab at a chance to bury me deeper in your brutality.


I created this mistake.

I gave you everything you couldn't take.

You've got me weak in my cardiac.

You're my beautiful mishap.

Your ugliness was so beautiful to me and I my willingness to indulge fueled your insecurities,
The faux promises and broken acknowledgments, kept me optimistic that one day you'd be less antagonistic.
Love me less, deceive me long, write me a script to scream you a song
Or sing you a cry cuz there's pain in these eyes, and I'd be damned if I let this love live for a lie
Inceptions of forever will never happen they're dead as I am,
Perceptions of forbidden contraptions to set my broken heart in.


I created this mistake.
I gave you everything you couldn't take.
You've got me weak in my cardiac.
Fuck this beautiful mishap.


Ashlea.Marie.Williams

Random Freestyle...poem maybe?

Who would've known this feeling to grow so deep...deep within the souls and the minds of the weak

I'm helpless but who cares...the only way to prove my struggles are there is to unleash the anger that hides behind them...so i confide in them...they help me...I loose sight...they direct me...resurrect me...from the darkness i stay in...I lay in...the darkness that I play in...cause it feels too dayum good to leave...just too dayum good too leave...i stretch out and all I get is a "f_k you" so i pull myself back inside and tell myself i'm beautiful...i'm delusional...my head is f_kin twisted...but as far as a fantasy goes, this shyt is optimistic...the sunshine it don't ever listen so i keep my shades on to keep me from what I am missin...keeps me from my lonely visions...she's too submissive, just stand up like ya pissin...she keep my head so curled and did up like a f_kin beautician...all i need in this life of sin is some f_ckin understandin..just so i can circumvent the crazy shyt that you invent....im outta breath yo...im slowly caving in...cover my eyes with rocks just ta keep my soul within...take me or leave me I meant take it or leave it...whatever it is, it lives in my chest...this world has nothing left to offer me but i don't think of it any less.

A.M.W

This Moment of Clarity, This Moment of Honesty...

My best friend knows how much I admire Jay-Z and she recommended this documentary to me...please enjoy. Not only is this inspirational, but this is REAL SHIT...makes me respect this man and his art so much more =)

Oprah presents: Master Class- Jay-Z

Part 1 of 4

Part 2 of 4

Part 3 of 4

Part 4 of 4

"Excellence is being consistent with your greatness."

Ye & Jay....at it again!

I personally cannot wait for this album...but this single will have to do for now...ENJOY

Listen here--->    Kanye West & Jay-Z- H.A.M

This is MY beautiful dark and twisted fantasy

Kanye West ft. Rick Ross, Jay Z, & Nicki Minaj- "MONSTER"

Enjoy...

Ashlea M. Williams

Alright so for real this time...

So it been a lil minute...a lot of darkness, lostness, and unsure-ity....are those even words? lol...but um, its not unusual to be in a random mood. Usually when i feel the need to post something on here its out of urgency, or a desire to get this weird shyt outta my head...not gonna spend the rest of my blog post pouring out my heart but rather expressing them through other things. Things of this nature include music, poetry, random thoughts and words, moments of clarity (I like that concept), and maybe even fashion...whatever...starting now...




So lemme tell you about this dream i had:  Everything was normal...it almost felt real.  I went to school, played ball, such things that are normal to me. Came outta practice one day and low and behold, some familiar chick walked out the door struttin her stuff like she knew she could get it.  In a subtle but confident sexy ass east coast accent she exclaimed, "Hey baby i gotta run to work but i'll get at you lata" long story short in the midst of my life somebody else was in it...Miss Nicki Minaj lmao...dont know why but all i gotta say is what a dream...lets just say she was fa damn sho at my crib lata on in sump that looked a lot like this...

Ima get at y'all lata though lol


Live Life


Ashlea M. Williams