So let's try this bullshit again...random as they come still

Ok so im not aspiring to be anything but myself again...no actress, no artist, no rapper, nothing but me.  Because at one point in time i lost me...if you find her or you have her, please give her back, because until you do, the ones who care about me will suffer out of my control.  How i feel now is how i shouldn't feel...i have someone who loves me like a fat kid loves cake...just wish i could feel that cake ALL the time...but something wont let me. Its like im bipolar or sum shyt...one minute, I feel her love...and i need and want it...the next, i know its there and i WANT and NEED to feel it...but something wont allow me to feel nor be vulnerable.  I shall write about this later...whether a song, monologue, or poem is regurgitated i have no clue... I have no plans for my future...dont feel like thinking about it...some days i would really like to be excited about something, anything!.....wait, let me rephrase that, i dont want to be excited about something, i want to be excited about LIFE all of the time. Sure, that's not realistic...but there is a difference between living and being alive.  Hmm..what else is new...still have nightmares.  I still get angry (but ive grown very good at keeping this hidden).  Ive experienced a dry spell when it comes to creativity.  I like to eat almonds a lot.  Ive watched the movie Step Brothers more times this month than the years i am old.  Im addicted to candy.  I am a sex addict (maybe thats why im so emotionally f_ked but it seems like a good way to show how much i care).  I dont like simple people.  I can be trusted.  I dont like when other people wont admit that they have issues too.  I dont like to be bothered when im in a shitty mood.  I like chunky peanut butter.  I am homo...and i love women (such beautiful creatures) except when they act simple.  I HATE pressure...I like to think for myself and on my time.  I dont like to explain things...whether its the way i feel or something ive said a million times already.  I DON'T have trust issues.  I DO have commitment issues.  Lets be specific...commitment issues of the heart, not the genitals.  I hate long distance relationships, but i can appreciate short distance within relationships...I need a place to be alone when i want to be alone.  I guess thats why marriage scares me and i dont want kids.  maybe thats why titles scare me (only when im in a withdrawn state which is lame...I AM LAME)....dont really know what else to say right now...so i wont say anything else.  All in All, im trying....I AM TRYING...to open myself up to the world and the important people in it...but i WILL NOT lose myself again once i find it...I guess that within itself is "my journey"....but in the meantime, ill continue to be a zombie surrogate   and breed mindless ideas until my life is my life again. And to all who care, I love you...you should already know this and hopefully you have felt it at some point n time.  If not, maybe next week...